based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
