i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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