Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
there is glitter all over my balls
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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