I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
