I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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