I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
