I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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