Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
