I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
