Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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