i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
