Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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