He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
