I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
