HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
