I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
