my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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