why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize