I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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