I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
