Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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