Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize