Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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