I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
