if i died would you start the facebook group?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
