my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
