Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize