I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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