Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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