what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
