she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
