Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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