It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
