Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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