I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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