I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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