Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
