can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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