Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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