The best revenge is premature balding
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
