I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
