Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
