i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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