And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
