I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
