i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
