is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You're like the curious george of whores
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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