Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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