listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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