I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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