I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
