Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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