I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
