my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Panties = found
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
