my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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