It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
