I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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