I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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