the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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