I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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