happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
