It's like a parade of train wrecks.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Randomize
