there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize