Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I think I won the penis lottery.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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