when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
